Rainy days, Kahlua, and poetry!

Dear Minions!

Oh my! It's been so long again! Quick update and then to the good stuff :)

So, due to all kinds of stupid plumbing problems caused by tree roots wiggling their way into our plumbing channels under the house, we had to get a portion of our cement floor in the basement ripped up! Therefore, while a bit of minor construction goes on to install a new bathroom and re-arrange a couple of walls down there, I have been exiled to the wilds of Angus (a small town about 15-20 mins from where I live)! There is no internet out there, so I've been occupying my time with puzzles, DS games, crafts and Cops! My darling Monster has kindly offered to keep me company out there, she's so sweet :) My opportunities to post will be few, but I'll try my best!

 Sitting at the dinning room table with a mug of hot chocolate and looking out at the dreary evening, I'm drawn to my little poetry notebook, though, it's more something in between a journal and a book of poems. I spill my heart out to this little book on occasion, often fueled by heart ache and a little too much hard cider. Most of it is rantings and ravings over old flames and how poorly they treated me in times of great stress for me. Looking back at it they were very rarely at fault because I never properly expressed my needs to them, merely casually informed them of a significant day. However, every now and then I stumble upon a gem, such as this one....

Simply titled,

Jan 26, 2011 12:23am

I've seen what lies beyond,
And it pales in comparison,
Only sorrow lives there,
The ground is fed by a mother's tears,
The plants bear the fruit of our regrets,
The rivers run with broken dreams,
And the clouds are spun from heartache,

I've seen what lies beyond,
And it pales in comparison,
There is no peace,
There is no rest,
There is no sanctuary,
Only lost moments,
And memories of what you were,

I've seen what lies beyond,
And it pales in comparison,
Only terror lives there,
What you could have been,
What you should have been,
And the terror is,
Knowing it will never be,

I have seen what lies beyond,
And it pales in comparison,

I know what life means......


This tragic little poem came to me one lonely night, in my greatly inebriated state while reflecting on my experience with cancer nearly 5 years ago now. My goal was to convey the bleakness and terror I felt after my diagnosis. Some parts are quite literally the fears and emotions I had when I closed my eyes, but through that experience I found a new outlook on life, not to live like everyday is your last, but like it's your first, revel in every experience no matter how mundane and be excited just for the opportunity to experience it.

That being said, there is only so much that will alone can accomplish. In my post "Ramblings" I touched upon some very deep-seated emotions that have a tendency to consume me sometimes. I battle with depression/bipolar. At home in Barrie, I have a wonderful group of friends and family that are an amazing support system for me, but when I was living in Kitchener, I didn't have that. The following was written on my last birthday after a lot of cider, while left to my own devices.....

I have lost myself here,
I have no sense,
Of reason or being,
I am only a shell,
A sham,
A hoax,
Of all that I was,
There is no spark,
No joy,
No light in my life,
Just the darkness that pervades,
That has seeped into my soul,
I am lost,
Hollow,
Torn,
Alone,
Therein lies the problem....

I am alone.

It was this very night I decided to leave my good-paying job in my field of study to return home and become a fabric jocky once again. I honestly believe that if I had have stayed there for even one more month, I would not be writing this today. It was a very dark chapter in my life that I have closed a door on. I now look forward, though I'm under employed and barely paying the bills, I have hope for my future, something I never had there. So let's end this wholly depressing post with a cute little number I wrote in my elementary school days for a poetry assignment!

The man from Kentucky

There once was a man from Kentucky,
He had a little pet ducky,
The ducky was a lucky little ducky,
The ducky's name happened to be Plucky,
Plucky lived in a pond that was mucky,
One day, Plucky said "Here, here!",
And told a story that was quite queer,
At the end, from his eye did the man wipe a tear,
As he coward in the corner with fear!,
He said," I will clean your pond that is mucky,
My little pet ducky",
And they lived happily ever after,
The man from Kentucky,
And his pet ducky,
Named Plucky.


Until next time my darlings......

Keep kreepin'!

Missa Deadlove xoxo