Ramblings....

Sometimes I wonder why I'm so scared. I look at my friends and acquaintances I've met over the years and think, " Their lives are so carefree and full! Why don't I have that?". Is my mind so diseased that I can't function like other human beings? It breaks my heart when I look at the people around me. They find love and fulfillment and no matter how much I crave it, those things feel unattainable to me. I have been blessed with so many wonderful things yet I still feel lacking. I have a wonderful family, a mother who works herself to death trying to provide for my sister and I, an incredibly loving and understanding sister and a step dad, who in his own stern and silent way, cares very deeply for all of us. It is true I lost my father and best friend at a very young age, but I should have moved on by now. Our life with him wasn't a very good one and I can't understand why I still hold that pain so deeply. He wasn't a bad man, but things were very difficult when he was alive. I don't know what it was about him or why, but I miss him everyday. I often wonder if it's a longing for a life that should have been, but in all honesty things would only have been harder than they were. I feel childish even writing this. I've told this little sob story a thousand times, to anyone who will listen.

Daddy died, Mommy was always angry, my sister and I were always scared, I grew up a bit and was an angry, depressed teenager, I did lots of drugs, dated abusive guys, got cancer, got better, went to college, got a job, dated another abusive guy,  continued to work alongside of him for another year and a half, my sister had cancer, got better, I had a nervous breakdown and I am now living in my mom's basement paralyzed with fear at the thought of working in a funeral home again.

Whenever I share this story with people they tell me how strong and resilient I am because I can relay it with an air of cool detachment. It isn't strength, it's my coping mechanism. I keep the hurt bottled up until I'm safely behind my bedroom door where I weep uncontrollably until I fall asleep from sheer exhaustion.

I have had so many amazing opportunities in my life, but that is the story I tell people when they ask about my life. I always dwell on the tragedy, never a mention of the two months I spent in France, my trip to New York city, the fact that I have an above average IQ and have never had to put any kind of effort into my school work yet still got incredible grades, my best friend who has been my rock since we were 10 years old, I'm even afraid to tell people that I'm a cancer survivor because I'm scared that it will some how be a burden on them!?!?! Can someone please, for the love of God, explain to me why I feel these things! Why do I seem so hell bent on making my own life miserable!? Why am I so terrified to open up to people and tell them how I feel? Why am I so afraid that these things will drive people away, even though the amazing group of friends I have proves otherwise?? Am I just a scared little girl? And what the fuck is there to be afraid of, HONESTLY?!?!? I really don't understand why I feel these things and let them eat away at my insides.

It isn't everyday that I feel like this, just nights like tonight. Day to day I try to find as much beauty as possible around me. I try to enjoy the most simple pleasures that life has to offer. I try to always look on the bright side and look to all the wonderful things that could happen in the future. But when the darkness strikes it is all consuming, terrifying and paralyzing. I lose my sense of hope, sense of self and all rationality is lost. All I can think to do to comfort myself is cry myself to sleep and hope with all my heart and soul that tomorrow will bring that ray of light back into my life.

There has been a fair amount of media attention in the last couple years about mental health awareness. I guess this is my attempt at a contribution. It really is a problem amongst young people. It's taboo and the topic often gets changed. I hope that it isn't the case for too much longer, because no one should have to feel like this, not even once in a while.