Dear Minions!
Sorry for the long silence! I know I say that every time I post, and I am sure it's lost all meaning to any of you who read this blog regularly, but I truly mean it. Sadly I don't have a craft or thrifty little sewing project for you, this post is simply a chance to catch up.
My long silence has been due to a number of things, the first being a time of recovery and healing. Not in a physical sense, I'm totally fine in that respect, but a healing of the mind. I've recently acknowledged that I have a drinking problem. I'm not a drink-three-bottles-of-wine-everyday kind of alcoholic, but I've come to recognize that I can't control myself when I do drink. If there is a bottle of wine/hard liquor, I drink it all, if there is a two-four (case of beer to the non-Canadians lol) present I'll drink until I pass out. Alcoholism runs rampant in both sides of my family and is what ultimately killed my father. It cost me my funeral job and led me to a nervous breakdown, more recently it was a factor in an abrupt end to a relationship and I had to acknowledge it's devastating effect and hold on my life. So since June, under strict guidelines I have only imbibed 4 times, now I'm sure you're thinking "that doesn't constitute quitting", and you're right it doesn't. It's a point of self control that I lack, and by making the conscious decision to limit myself to a single pint on my birthday or my sister's birthday in a pub where the booze is free flowing is the route of recovery that I've chosen to take. A point that I have prided myself on is a bottle of gin that has sat in my cupboard since June with a single shot in it. Gin is my demon, and everyday I look at it and smile to myself that it is still there, no matter how shitty my day or week was, I let it sit there as a reminder that I can and must control myself lest this foul disease of addiction take me over again.
The second reason for my silence is a lack of inspiration/forethought. I've been in kind of a slump the past couple months, brooding over unfortunate situations that I have brought upon myself, being kind of moody when I quit smoking ( I was a right bitch for about 2 weeks), and generally being busy sewing displays for the store and not thinking, "Oh, I could snap a couple photos and make a tutorial". I'm a slacker, and I apologize profusely!
The final reason I've ignored my blog is because I've been in the process of moving for the past month, finally out of my mom's basement. Yay! Only took a year lol.
There was an incident last week that prompted me to write again, nothing bad, in fact something wonderful and long overdue. A friend came to visit me last Saturday, an amazing friend that I haven't seen in a year and a half. The last time we saw each other we were both in very bad head spaces. I was living in Kitchener and drinking too much, he was working himself silly to pay rent on a condo he couldn't afford on his own after the girl he moved in with bailed 3 weeks into the lease. We talked about life and our trials, the things we wished we could change and the hopelessness we felt in our situations. It helped ease our pain a little, and staved off the impending breakdowns we were facing in our lives. When I say this man is my saviour I truly mean it, he was the one who talked me out of committing suicide on my 23rd birthday, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be writing any of this.
This visit however, was one of hope and inspiration. We spoke of the progress and positive changes in our lives, for me, my sewing and cross stitch work, which has brought me immense satisfaction and been a form of therapy for me and for him his involvement in a slam poetry team which is taking him to a nation/international (can't remember quite which) poetry competition next week. We discussed the hiccups in our lives that inevitably occur, but the emphasis was all on the positives, the healthy choices we are making, and the unhealthy habits we are breaking. I inspired him through the course of our conversations to write some happy poetry and he has inspired me to update this blog more faithfully, to use it the way I intended when I started writing nearly a year ago. Both of us also found religion. He discovered the merits and is converting to Judaism and I have rediscovered my Wiccan beliefs.
I find it amusing and very fitting that I should realign myself with wiccan practices this time of year, right before Samhain (Halloween). It's kind of funny, I was in Chapters recently to pick up the new Heros of Olympus book ( I've been waiting on pins and needles for a year!) and found myself wander over to the New Age/Occult section where I came upon an almanac for the the Sabbaths. As I casually perused the sections reading a bit of this and a bit of that my soul stirred. Everything I had read as a teenager came flooding back to me and a sense of peace washed over me. I realized that Wicca is, and has always been, my path to peace and enlightenment.
As a teenager (around 12-15) I was fascinated by and seriously studied and practiced Wicca in secret. When my mother came upon my little altar and stack of books she immediately flipped out. I was always encouraged to read up on different religions, but pagan traditions seemed to be right out of the question. The inability to practice my faith drove me to study dark things like Necromancy, Levian Satanism and VooDoo, I guess I figured if she thought Wicca was bad, I'd show her that I could do worse! The years from 16-24 were more often than not dark times for me. Times of spiritual confusion, deep depression and substance abuse.
This past year I have taken lots of time to rediscover myself and how I want to live the rest of my life. There have been ups and downs, times of clarity and times of confusion. The past month or two especially I have reflected, planned and re-planned, researched, changed course and finally decided.
Samhain is the witches New Year and I plan on celebrating it as such, in the coming year I will realign myself with The Goddess, study, worship, practice, ground myself, and now that I have found myself again I will grow, both spiritually and emotionally. I will re-center and fine tune the course of my life.
I hope you will follow me in my adventure, and that my revelations through the coming year can guide you along your path too. May the Goddess bless you with her favour and bring joy and happiness to all of you this Halloween night!
As always darlings........
Keep kreepin'!
Missa Deadlove xoxo
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